Aishiteru BaKanda
by Lotus Hourglass
Summary: Kanda's last lotus petal had fallen and Allen hadn't realized the Samurai's importance until...he receives a letter from him. Will put up the yullen ending, AreKan ending by Dark Angel Kaos
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAMER: I don't own dgm and if I did I'd probably make Kanda uke =3= and DGM would be yaoi if I did own it

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><p>Sad news got to into everyone in the Black Order. Kanda isn't going to come back. Never again. Lenalee didn't believe it but what is left there to do for her? She went to seek comfort in her brother's arms...Lavi only looked down at Kanda's coffin; not letting his tears fall down. It would be an act of breaking the laws of being a Bookman. Allen was very sad, but he did not know why he was crying for the stoic samurai when it was clear that the raven haired boy hated him...or so he thought. A finder gave him a letter. It was from Kanda. Now he was rather pissed at that. <em>If he writes anything about me being cursed or rude, he should've told me in personal<em>! Those thoughts died when he read the letter.

_Baka Moyashi,_

_I hate you, no...I lied. Everything was just a big fat lie. If you think I hate you for who you are, you're dead wrong. Keeping everything to my goddamn self is the hardest thing I've ever done. All this time I really wanted to tell you but all our fates is already chosen and I couldn't do anything about it. All this time, whenever I'm with you, my heart beats fast. I always tried my best to keep a good distance between us because I knew that being far away from the start is what's better for us. Each and one of us. I never wanted things to go in a way it shouldn't be. It's the least I could do, so I wouldn't get in your way. Even if it meant that I'm hurting myself for doing so. I believed in what you could do for the world and we, dare I say it, your "family" helped you along the way. Your situation couldn't have been harder than mine. I had my share of pain, but I never let you sink your teeth in it. And yet you still did, and I got mad, not at you, but for you getting involved. I'm such a moron. And now I had to face the truth. That you're a part of who I am now. Not a mere memory. Not a simple face. Not even a peril lurking behind your shadow._

_And I ended up hating myself. Now that the last of my petals is falling, few days are left for me to live. How could even I tell you? Confess? It may be too late but I want you to know...I loved you. Helping me find "that person" and fighting along with me, despite the fact that I hurt you...I'm all grateful of that. I don't care if you hate me for this. All I want is to see you smile, truthfully. I don't think you'd love me back, anyway..._

_But you know what's important? That I'm back. Tadaima, minna...Tadaima, Allen Walker. And goodbye..._

As Allen finished reading this letter, he clenched his fist. Who would think that Kanda felt this way? It was a bitter truth. _Sweet lies are better, _Allen thought. _What's the use of you going back when all you do is lie down in the coffin? _He shook his head_. No, I must say something nice, at least to show him that I liked him. And somehow...I feel the same way with him. I hate you, no, I lied...to myself and to you. _A sad smile was seen on his face but those genuine words proved his unknown feeling. Then he found the right words to say, at last.

"Okaerinasai, Kanda Yuu. Aishteru...BaKanda."

How I wished you smiled for me...


	2. Chapter 2

A week passed after Kanda's death. Allen was still reading the letter again and again. The words unspoken were now what he realized to be...affection. He's holding on to the letter, as if hoped for Kanda to haunt him_. What am I doing_, he thought bitterly_. Am I missing that...jerk?_ He wanted to deny it, but when he does, he felt guilty. _Why is it, that every time I think of him, my heart beats fast even when he's clearly gone?_His eyes became filled with sadness while he thought about that. _Maybe I did love him, it never seemed to be that way..._When he admitted it to himself, he was hurt; the feeling of need to see the raven and embrace him in his arms longed so much. He knew how bad he felt these past days missing the stoic samurai and it makes him do something unthinkable. An idea struck him and so it lead him doing the same thing he did "last time". Only he didn't want any other person to know what he plans- he was being...selfish. Lavi noticed the great change in his demeanor-because he knew Allen isn't getting over in any way- and he decided to watch him. Lenalee is worried, too, at what Allen is showing.

He soon knew that Bookman's apprentice had been following him and so he turns to scowl at the persistent redhead but before he could go nearer him, Lavi had punched him on his face without hesitation, sending him flying on the floor.

"Allen, stop being like this, will ya?"

"Lavi, why are you-"the redhead interrupted him abruptly.

"Don't get me wrong, I know what you're planning to do! I mean, come on Allen! Yuu-chan is gone; can't you

simply take the truth?"

"Why, Lavi, you don't feel the same way I do, right? That's because you're a Bookman and you're not supposed to feel anything! So why would you care, huh?" Allen never meant to be bitter but Lavi wouldn't listen anyway so why bother? Lavi swallowed hard before he answered. If Bookman is going to see him acting this way, he'll be going to force the redhead to never have a contact with them. It was wrong for him to do that, but he didn't care about it for the meantime.

"Because I AM your friend, that's why!"

"Aren't you Kanda's friend, too? I thought you're his best friend!"

"I was about to ask you the same damn thing, Allen." Lenalee retorted with a hurt tone in her voice as she stood in the front of the door.

"Lenalee...?"

"What do you know? And that's the same reason why none of you ever get to know him better...He's left out on his own and yet you- Oh dear god..." Allen was breaking apart; he didn't know it would come to a point like this.

"Kanda is a great comrade and we all know that fact. Allen, it's just so wrong to bring him back...why would you want to...?"

"Even if I'd tell you, it won't change anything. Why don't you just-"

"–try to understand? Is that what you wanted to say? Dammit Allen, we do try! Stop thinking that you're the only ones who missed Yuu!"

"I don't just miss him and you will never understand why!"

_Because not anyone among us did know how he feels...until, that is, he made a confession..._

Allen started to play the piano in a solemn tone.

_Soshite bouya ha nemurini tsuite_

_Ikizuku haino naka no hono wo hitotsu, futatsu to_

To him, Kanda wasn't just any person you could easily forget. Not when he knows that he surely felt the same to the raven.

"Allen, stop it!" Lavi shouted at Allen, but the white haired teen just ignored him.

"Allen, please..." Lenalee was crying.

_Ukabu fukurami itoshii yokogao_

_Daichi ni taruru ikusenno yume, yume_

I know what I'm doing...They don't...

_Ginno hitomini yuragu yoru ni_

_Umareochita kagayaku omae_

Is this going to be the end of it?

_Ikuo kuno toshitsuki ga_

_Ikutsu inori wo tsuchihe kaeshitemo_

I'm not going to regret this...this is my decision.

_Watashi wa inori tsuzukeru_

_Mou ka konno ni ai wo_

And for this, my wish is for him to...

_Tsunaida te ni kisu wo_

He ended it with the last notes of the piece. And so they waited for something to happen. Eerie silence.

"Allen, snap out of it! Yuu will never come back again, you hear me?"

"What kind of crap are you spitting out now, Baka Usagi!"

All of them recognized THAT ANNOYED TONE OF VOICE.

_Huh? Is that...Kanda? But where? Where is he?_

A/N: I'm reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally very sowwy guys...

Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh I suck at making stories...

If you guys liked it...Comments will be accepted...-sobs-...Harsh ones will be okay...-sniff-

With a hug, maybe?

"'OTZ


End file.
